This beard–the white [redish brown] wool, unclipt upon my neck,” 

                                                  -Walt Whitman, “Behold This Swarthy Face”

 Every November the students of the university I work for hold a month-long event called “No Shave November.”  There are many schools that do something of the sort whether it is “No Shave November” or “Janu-hairy”  or whatever clever name can be thought of to allow students, and some faculty and staff, the excuse to not shave for a month.  This year I decided to participate.  I have never done “No Shave November” mainly because my wife does not like it and refuses to get close to me when I have a beard.  But seeing as how my wife is pregnant, and when she is pregnant she has a head cold for nine months, and doesn’t get close to me anyway I decided to give it a whirl.

 I have realized something this month.  I like having a beard, at least for the winter months.  I don’t think there is ever going to be any way that I could wear a beard in the summer; if you didn’t read my last post I weigh 332lbs.  I produce enough heat as it is.  But in the winter it is awesome, some would say manly.  I would like to keep my beard but I am a reasonable man.  I will let the people decide.  Should I go full beard or should I return to the goatee?

Graaarrrrr!!!!! I am Eric the Red

Kind of wussy but it will do I guess

So here we go again.  I know the chips are stacked against me with it being the holiday season but I need to do something.  I ran this morning and when I got back I weighed myself and am brining 332lbs with me.  I want the scale to say 299lbs.  Let’s do this.

The second issue is a little more pressing seeing as how I have no idea how it got in there.  Apparently I have a pygmy marmoset in my large intestine.  This is the only explanation I have for the gurgling that happened at about the halfway point in the run, or in other words as far as I could get from my bathroom.  It was this marmoset that forced me to do the, “I’m not gonna make it” waltz back to my house.  I hate marmosets.

If there is a doctor that is reading I would really love a home cure or a prescription to get rid of my furry little companion that lives in my colon.

Who in their right mind wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, “Hey, I think I would like to get stabbed between the 6th and 7th rib today or maybe hit in the jaw with a crowbar at the very least.”  I mean come on kid!  Being a bouncer, although manly, is a little too far toward the Neanderthal end of the spectrum.  I know that bouncers exist much in the same way that a $1000 bill exists, they are out there but I have never seen them.  When I think of a bouncer I think of the guys from Roadhouse, minus Patrick Swayze, or someone who would follow Snoop Dog around not my brother.  I hope this is some last hoorah in order for him to prove something to himself and that he will before he gets into a serious scuffle.  My brother is a big guy and can take care of himself but it only takes one knife, gun, board, car, baseball bat, crowbar, set of iron knuckles, double team, roll of quarters, slap-jack, cattle prod, pool stick, sword, … well you get the idea.  I hope my brother makes it to old age.

But back to my question.  Am I still relevant to today’s college student?  I don’t listen to the same music.  I rarely have seen the same movies.  I am horrendously out of style.  So I ask you are these things I need to be in order to work with young adults?  Am I being, or more accurately can I be, everything to everyone as Paul tells us?  I need to honestly answer these questions so I can know if it is time to hang up my ping pong paddle and don the button down shirt, flat front khakis, and wing-tipped uniform of mid-level college administration.   My wife and I are committed to the community we live in but I do not know if I still have the energy to do that voodoo that I do so well (sometimes).

(cue music) Welcome to Epic Fail Friday!

I thought that I would introduce something not-so-random to our essentially stream-of-consciousness blog here.  Is there a better way to end the week?  I think not.

Epic Fail #1

So far in my family we’ve gone through a 3+ week battle with a cold, with overlap of those effected. Today happens to be the start (and hopefully the finish) of another bout with sickness.

My wife is off on a pre-school trip to the pumpkin patch this morning. The plan was that I’d take the youngest until a friend was available, and then I’d go into work a little late. When he woke up this morning he felt a bit warm, and was acting odd (lethargic). Whilst sitting on the couch with him, he proceeded to give me his opinion on my sweater by vomiting on me. He vomited at least one other time — this was before Aj left, so I was changing and don’t have an exact count of the times. He has since regained his normalcy; ate his breakfast, is wandering around playing with toys and reading to himself, etc.

Said friend is available now, but I’m not about to go dump off my kid who was puking 2 hours ago. So here I am, at home, half working and half making sure he’s ok. I just don’t want to have to change again.

I am conflicted with this knowledge.  One one hand I can see the value of doing something like that in order to share common experiences and therefore strengthen their relationships.  On the other hand I think it is dumb and I know it’s illegal.  I can’t even set up some sort of prank like waiting until they are all in the water and stealing their clothes; talk about inappropriate.  What am I supposed to do?  I will probably put the kibosh on it just out of principle.  You can’t tell me that jumping into 50 degree water in the middle of the night with no clothes on, opening up the possibility for sand to find its way into the few places it can’t get into when you are wearing clothes, is a good idea. 

I would like to take a poll:  

Should I stop the exhibitionist water extravaganza or allow it? 

and

Is skinny dipping as prevalent amongst the fairer sex as I have been led to believe?

1. Get the water running; usually the sound of the running water brings the boys with excitement.
2. Strip off their clothes, “toss” them into the tub.
3. Let the playing commence.
4. After a while wash them down.
5. Let the playing continue.
6. Oldest out first; dry him down, and send off for pjs
7. Youngest out; dry him down, and let him roam freely until the wife clothes him or I…
8. Clean-up the mess of toys in the tub; address naked boy situation if necessary.

Everything went as normal until #8. I was picking up the toys, and youngest was roaming freely. He happened to step right up next to me to watch what I was doing. I thought nothing of it, until I recognized something was happening to my foot. Yup, naked boy was peeing on my toes. Fortunately I was wearing shoes, but I think I need to wash them now.