Nay, we are but men. Rock!

I am happy–immensely happy, but at the same time, tragically, deeply anguished.  The perpetuation of my emotional dichotomy stems from the fact that my wife and I just found out that we were going to have another child.  That, in and of iteself, is mostly the source of my unbound joy; however, we also found out that we are not going to be the ones to raise our little one–that honor, in all its joy, belongs to Jesus.

You see, our little one was brought home from this world earlier than I ever could have imagined; I never would have thought that I could feel a part of me so barren, but so alive.  Not alive and blossoming with vivacity; rather, alive in the sense you get when you have a sudden, deep injury.  That part of me is rubbed so raw, bleeding, but feels so alive because of it.

I mourn the loss of my child, but how awesome would it be to be raised by God Himself? I mean, my dad was great, but he kinda pales in comparison.  Let’s see….a wooden house….or golden streets?  Which would you rather see every day? : )

Though it pains me that I will never be able to hold this baby, snuggle it in bed, sing it to sleep, and watch it grow, laugh, learn, and love, I do feel grateful knowing that my child is in the best of hands, and will be waiting there for me, welcoming me into the arms of the Father, who has raised my baby in His glorious perfection.

I am dying inside–but I rejoice in the Lord and all He has provided.

–Aaron

My life tends to follow a certain pattern.  I will have one or two major life questions that are at the forefront of my mind.  I will spend anywhere from three months to a year diving into whatever question is before me and then I will have a down period where I won’t really think of anything of more depth than the Broncos or comparing and contrasting all of the Die Hard movies.  

The issue that I have been wrestling with lately is where is God in the midst of suffering?  I have been thinking about this ever since I read a novel called The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell.  All throughout my life I have heard people talk about God’s will in regards to pain and brokenness.  I would hear one person say to someone who has lost a loved one, “It’s OK they are in a better place now.  Sometimes it is hard to know the why but it was his will.”  It’s true that the person who has died might be in a better place and it is hard to know the will of God but to say that God caused so-in-so to die because it was part of his will is not entirely accurate.  I have an extremely hard time thinking that the God of love, grace, mercy, redemption, and life causes death and heartache.  I think we cause all of the crap that is in the world and God works with it.  I think to say that God causes death is to rob him of his redemptive power.  I serve the God who defeated death, not brought it about.  I believe God can take the s**t in our lives and redeem it.  He takes what was never intended and brings it into himself, where it finds love.  When someone talks about the silver lining I hear God’s hand at work.  When someone verbalizes some joy that has come out of great suffering I hear a God that refuses to abandon us. 

No, I serve a God of redemption and a God that will always bring us close even through the worst circumstances not a puppeteer that forces death and brokenness onto his creation for his own amusement or to accomplish a greater good.  The greatest good was defeating death and mending brokenness.  My uncle committed suicide yesterday.  I am not sure where the redemption is going to come from but it will come.  I am waiting with my God for the silver lining.